Riboflavic

pathmaker

2006-10-08T01:58:00.000-06:00

there may lay
many paths
infront of you
some are paved
some are not
some are worn
some are not
some are marked
some are not
some
however
do not exist
until
you choose
to make it so

till the effort is made
till the work is done
to clear the way
to have a path
to walk upon

what work is this
what must we do
for each of us
the answer is different
the question is different
but always
human

the quest for why
or where
or when
or who
even what
answers we seek
and hope are easy
but rarely are

it leaves the brush
the thick growth
of worry
of pain
of love
of shame
of worth
of gain
of nothing
and all that remains
for us to clear
and pull from ground
and open up sky
horizon to see
just knowing
it must be

what it is we rarely know
just simply that we must go
and walk this path
of our own creation
setting upon
a reckless journey
knowing the risk
is part reward
part lesson
part gift
that we share
with those to whom
we mostly care

this path we make
for ourselves
can really be
the gift we give
to ourselves
for which our human soul
requires
as much as our lungs
require air

storm chasing

2006-06-16T00:38:00.000-06:00

i am mesmerized
completely
totally
in all of my being

i am a storm chaser
i am drawn
sucked in
by the sheer chaotic beauty
by the wonderful whirlwind
by the pure force of nature

i want to feel it
feel it rush past me
feel it flow through me
feel it push me to the ground
feel it take me
where i can never get on my own

i stand here staring
eyes unblinking
will unwavering
yet legs so weak
barely able to support me

why am i drawn so completely
why do i feel this so stongly
why am i so intoxicated
the taste so rich in my mouth
flavor dripping off my tongue
eyes gently closing beyond all force of will
to keep them open

it is nature
it is natural
it is a pure force
of life
of humanity
of soul
of survival

longing to feel the simplest and purest of rushes
giving in to a pure force of nature
without
holding back
or bracing
for impact

forward motion

2006-05-29T23:00:00.000-06:00

they say a shark always has to move
to live
they must have
forward motion

what is that for me
what is my
forward motion

what is my goal
my quest
my
forward motion

what do i need
what do i want
what
forward motion

when will i act
when will i step
when will i move
with
forward motion

what will tomorrow bring
what mirror in which i will look
and see
what is and has become of me
will i have
or lack
forward motion

moments of clarity blur
moments of peace fade
moments of truth
disguise themselves
in the wholeness
that is life
that steadily moves
with
forward motion

what will the ticking clock
remember
of me
of my actions
of my
forward motion

necessary

2006-03-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

what is necessary
what do we really need
is it simple
or is it complex

air
water
food
shelter

love
faith
purpose
life

we all need
we all feel
we need
this
or that
him
or her
money
or power
space
or air

everyone needs
everyone yearns
for something
or somethings

but what is
truly
necessary

so much we make
into life
and death
that isnt

so much we look
over
that is

is necessary
and need
either right
or wrong
or neither

maybe it just
is

always to
be pondered
wondered
debated
argued
taken
given
tossed
lost
found
just
part of
being
human

alone

2006-02-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

what is alone

why do we run from it

what drives us from it with such abandon

to lead us into moments so far worse

than loneliness

the darkest of dark

the coldest of cold

the fear of the fearful

yet some yearn for it as light

the air to breathe

the water to drink

the sun to burn the skin

creating spaces

secret spaces

in which to revel in it

to smile in the dark

in the cold

in which others weep

orginally written on March 16th, 2002

threads

2006-02-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

strung upon threads
my life does live
delicately balancing
between them
so thin
so fragile
strength
unseen

how long
do i travel
upon one
or the other
is not always
up to me
bounced
as if
someone
just struck it
while playing a tune
unknown
to me

i yearn
to hold on
tightly
to this
current thread
that i dance upon
lightly
hoping
not to upset
any balance
that may
be there
unkown
to me

yet i want to hear
the tune that is being played
with my life
upon this thread
i crave to sing
aloud
unashamed
uncaring
of just
how out of tune
i might be

wanting to share
wanting to show
the emotion
that lies within
the raw feeling
of everything
that keeps rushing
to just below
the surface
of my
skin

wondering
if they could see
if they would want
to see
what lies
within me
stripped down
to the core
the essence
of what
i feel
singing words
that grip me
tug
the emotion out
along with tears
of everything
of loss
of love
of pain
of joy
of just
being
human
me

treading lightly
upon the threads
of my life
trying to keep
a balance
that i just
cannot
see

Giver

2006-02-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

why did you show me a world
with so much beauty that i never imagined

why did you take my vision of love
and make it so plain
why did you give me all this
then leave me with pain

I would have been fine
just remaining numb
living a simple life
just playing dumb

but you came along
walked into the room
opened my eyes
and teared them so soon

you made me believe
everything was right
with me and my soul
such a wonderful sight

your lies were so sweet
and promises weak
I lived on each word
still when you'd speak

you built up my world
gave it real meaning
then tore it right down
my heart left bleeding

I never saw it coming
I truly believed
could not comprehend
how you could just leave

does it give you any joy
to know I'm this way
barely holding on
to my life every day

I wonder aloud
as I lie in my bed
my pillow bearing witness
to the tears that I shed

there is blame that is mine
my heart letting you in
but having faith in love
is my only true sin

I breathe and I breathe
for the hear and the now
you won't ruin my life
for this I do vow

we danced the dance
I played in your game
but someday I'll love
though I won't be the same

one day I will cherish
a love that is new
and find the one truth
I couldn't get from you

I'll awake each morning
with a purpose to try
stop searching for reasons
of why you chose goodbye

I won't go on living
just trying to cope
I will look to the future
find my reason to hope

*originally written at 12:05am february 12th 2006

Full Circle

2006-02-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

Circling
as circles will do
Sprialing
through their movement
randomly
intersecting
circling
other circles

two such circles
have
intersected
hovered
circled
around each other
for a while
spiraled
within
each other's
wake
mixing
learning
discovering
creating
new
sprialing
energy

will they
sprial
till
they
entwine

only time
will tell
if they
come
full circle

tell me a story

2006-02-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

let me close my eyes
and tell me a story
let me listen to your voice
softly
let me be taken
away from here
away from now
just
away

i need the distraction
i need the feeling
of being somewhere
other than here
other than now

it doesnt matter the story
you can make it up
as you go along
or tell me something
you heard
long ago

may it be simple
may it be complex
may it be anything
may it be a fairy tale
one conjured by you
by your own daydreams
of being
not here
not now

lost in your voice
lost in your words
i wish to be
softly carried
on a cloud of imagination
to a different land
different from here
different from now

it doesnt have to be
a long story
a long trip
it just has to be one
so i may forget
right here
right now

momentarily

peaceful

fleeting

2005-11-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

do you know
those moments of clarity
where everything
seems just as it should

you smile
and take it all in
for that moment
that fleeting moment
washing away
in times wake

you are left
standing there
unable to explain
how that just felt
to those
you most wish too
for words
just simply
aren't enough

nothing is adequate
nothing holds the description
of that moment
so that
others
can understand
and feel
what you felt
momentarily
so clear

there are no cameras
no video phones
no laser guided contraptions
that can
or will ever
capture
these moments
because they are only
of the heart
and the soul
and for ourselves
only

try not to fight the moment
or to describe it
or ponder too long upon it
just let it be
feel it wash
over and through
and enjoy the ripples
of the water
as they slowly
fade

Thank you

2005-10-30T01:29:00.000-06:00

thank you friend
for our conversation
for our talk
for your understanding

it was the easiest yet hardest one to have
so wonderful that we understand
so amazing that we are on the same page
so special that we cherish
the friendship we have

borne so recently
blooming easily
finding its place
within us
comfortable
home

i can see a possible path
just on the horizon
just on the edge of view
that takes us
where we might never knew we'd be
traveling a journey
not alone
not together
yet sharing
what is real
within us

that path looks good to me
it makes me smile
it makes me happy
in such a simple way
to know
that it will for you
just as simply
possibly
just as it should be

thank you friend
for being you
for being unique
for being strong
for being weak
for just
being

for taking the time
to be honest to me
and true to you
just as I will be
always
with you

Thank you

Indeed?

2005-10-12T23:51:00.000-06:00

are good intentions enough
are good deeds indeed good
when we are unsure of
the correct path to follow
or lead
our friends down

sometimes it so hard
so very hard
to know
the absolute
right thing
to do
the right thing
to say
or even
not
to say

i want so much
to be of help
to assist
to say
the right thing
to do
the right thing
to be
the right person

for them
or for me
it is a fair question
isnt it
is being a friend
indeed
partially
steeped
in selfish desires
to be needed
wanted
appreciated

is that validation
the root of it all
that connection
that human bond
what it is
all indeed
about

and if so

do the ends
or the attempted right
but possibly
probably
wrong
things
justify
the means

this moment
and many others like it
it is
indeed
my quandry

Aluminum

2005-09-18T02:46:00.000-06:00

from the barenaked ladies

"how in every visible way you shine
as if the stars in your wake align
almost impossible to malign
but just below where you shine you burn
although i know it, i never learn
just goes to show i can't discern

aluminum to me
aluminium to some
you can shine like sliver all you want
but you're just aluminum

illuminating just what you want to show
you'll never rust, but i'll never know
you can't be trusted; i can't let go

aluminum to me
aluminium to some
you can shine like sliver all you want
but you're just aluminum

Every time you're here i forget
when you leave, you leave only regret
every time you're near i forget
everything

you're so lightweight, how can you survive
recycling moments from others lives
you're not as precious as you contrive

aluminum to me
aluminium to some
you can shine like sliver all you want
but you're just aluminum"

intersting song that is
i have liked it from the first time i heard it
thought it was genius to write such a melodic tune
all about aluminum

just dug it just for that
simple
till now

look closer at the words
hear what is being said
and it speaks to love
yes love
and the lament of it all

how can that be?
well i hear it now through a friends eyes
ones she doesnt even know she has
she thought she had silver
but it was just aluminum

i thought i had silver too
once
for a long while
now it looks just like
aluminum

so is rebounding , recycling?
what are we looking for?
what do we fear?

right now
for me
being seen
as just
aluminum

and she doesnt even know she shines

just a little freewrite

2005-09-03T00:50:00.000-06:00

unsure of where this is going to go
this stream of babble
or this life
hard to shake it
shake the reality
sometimes
so much so
that it infiltrates
moments
that should be
something else
entirely
brings me down
brings down the room
hovers
festers
pesters
bothers
just all around
blah
bah
humbug

wanting to just breathe
to just be
to find
a solitary moment
a moment
simple
by design
because
it hasnt been
designed
planned
thought out
worried about
dreaded
or feared
it just
is

those moments
are rare
precious
as gold
or diamonds
in the sky
with lucy
or something
like that
anyway
they are
wanted
desired
even
needed
or at least that is how it feels
today
tonight
lately

can you hear
the soft sound
of a sigh
can you feel
the strings it pulls
tugging
ever so slightly
if you take the moment
to really hold
everything
within that moment
keeping words
from staining it
from masking it
from covering up
all the insecurities
and the reflex
reactions
pleasant speak
or witty retorts
all lay
to the side
just as my arms do
stay still
allow for
my heart to breathe
clean air

just yearn
for simple moments
and clean air
not too much to ask
is it

maybe
in this life
it is

for this moment
i just do not know
but
unfortunately
care

*sigh*

PLAYCOLD

2005-08-25T01:17:00.000-06:00

have you ever just watched a tree
just watched it be
just tried to see
all that is the tree
see so long you are blind
loosing your sense of time
loosing minutes and hours
feeling its powers
watching the tree
trying to just be

have you ever been lost in drink
so much so you could not think
hearing the empty bottle clink
against your kitchen sink
water swirling down the drain
numbness infesting your brain
wasting away till the dawn
meeting reality with a yawn
paranoid of what others think
craving that additional drink

have you ever felt so ill
that you have taken every pill
hoping pain has had its fill
hoping you are at the top of the hill
looking to be completely numb
caring less about looking dumb
seeking places one can hide
feeling ripped apart inside
loosing all sense of will
hoping for the magic pill

have you ever really felt the tune
making you sway making you swoon
to your spirit it is a boon
happily dancing like a loon
singing the words completely out loud
skipping along your solitary cloud
scratching the itch feeding the muse
bending the nails loosening the screws
feeling the sun off the moon
craving more oh so very soon

have you ever got lost in skin
rubbing it over and over again
loosing yourself yet hoping to win
feeling so good it must be a sin
moment to moment in the caress
intimacy without need of undress
subtle smile lies upon your face
the same line you continue to trace
feeling so close breathing akin
the simple pleasure of simple skin

have you ever tried to stop time
lost in the moment of some little rhyme
feeling completely totally utterly fine
holding forever with simple sunshine
holding your breath holding the moment
completely captured by such scent
possibly the texure and how it is felt
peace with the hand you are dealt
hoping happiness is not a crime
lost in a singular moment in time

have you ever just watched a tree
been lost in drink
felt so ill
felt the tune
been lost in skin
or stopped time
even kept on and on with a silly rhyme

human is human
song is song
moments are moments
will this one be gone?

Amarilys

2005-08-21T01:44:00.000-06:00

* orginally penned in spring 1991*

a name after the amaryllis
sweet scent of lilly
a coveted herb
soothing body and soul
warming smile of a flower
soft petal skin
becons the spring meadow
into your world
walk trough the lush clover
feel the breeze of her friendship
and her soft giggle
sparrows cheerfully frolic
dancing in the air
like her fingers dance their intricate drama
characterizing the memories
that she knows so well
one, all to bitter
as the taste of the weed
which infests the meadow
and fouls the air
what could have hurt such bueaty
and betrayed a loving heart
so full of trust
now sick with naivety
and saddend with pain
she does not feel like a lilly
anymore
she feels like the weed
look through my eyes
see you as I do
amaryllis so bueatiful
smile cheering my life
as the flowers in the meadow do
I see soft eyes straining
no fogging the pain from view
of your heart
how I wish to hug
hold
and wipe the tears away
yet my wishes are also fogged
hidden not from heart
from mind
and from my judgement
so my jovial fasacde can keep babbling on
and prevent the water of emotion
from washing the petals
of such a sweet flower

Amarilys
may I
hear the sparrows sing and the robins play
in you

Signs

2005-08-16T23:19:00.000-06:00

Signs are an interesting topic, aren't they?

some people believe in them
some people do not

where to i fall among those to spectrum ends
honestly
i am not sure

just in random conversation the other night
a friend mentioned the idea of signs
twice
one good
one bad
about the same person
the same relationship
it got me thinking
about my own soured relationship

what were the signs i saw
what were the ones i missed
or misinterpreted
what does perspective
or the moment
mean

the main thing that came to mind was one special morning
that i felt the night before had no chance of being so
getting sick while hiking up a mountain
with her
and our camping not going anywhere close to
as romantically planned
yet
with the dawn came her shining face
espcially when she saw a beautiful butterfly
her sign
mine was her happiness
or more importantly her complete lack of resentment
of the night before

she must really love me
thats what i felt
that was my sign
that kept me by her side for 17 years

now as that is over
and i look back
to that moment
as revived by my friend's words
i wonder
does it hold the same magic
was it
really
a sign

honestly i do not know
but even with the bitterness
i now feel
all the hurt
the pain
its hard to say
i made up
that sign

my question is
is a sign
that does not lead
to forever
still a sign

is it singular
to its moment
or dependent
on all time

this soul
is not sure
but then again
its not sure about anything much
right now

so i then wonder
will i be too confused
or too blind
or too ingnorant
of any future sign
from anyone else
unless it is
in bright bold neon light

i guess i should just heed
one sign

watch for falling rock

lyrical quote

2005-08-15T00:00:00.000-06:00

"I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home"

*from the Blues Traveler song Just Wait

I think that John Popper makes a pretty good statement there.
I think that he says that we as humans are always looking for a connection
yet always falling into feeling uniquely lost

i have not yet figured out why
i doubt he has either

lately it is easy for me to ponder that why
not only for what i have lost
but what i might gain

the song is titled "just wait"
that seems to be the action i should take
that maybe we all should take

but have you ever met a paitently lonely person?

Moth

2005-08-11T02:37:00.000-06:00

moths are foolish
aren't they
fawning over a silly flame

i told myself
no more moth
no more foolish moth behavior

be the flame
must be the flame this time
see what moth arrives

yet now
in this moment
i am
just
a foolish moth

as a good friend once said.. Ravings of a Lunatic

2005-08-05T22:33:00.000-06:00

Ravings ahhh good old Ravings.

Its been a while.
Tonight i rave.

i feel my life is on hold
i feel so much in limbo

sure i could be poetic tonight but somehow it just does not fit
i would scream yet who would really hear
would it really make any difference
or would i be just screaming

i want more than that
i need more than that
yet i read words my friends felt enough about to put on page
or on internet
or just to say
and i feel humbled by them
feel shamed at my moments of self pity
yet i have them
as do we all
everyday
everynight

it could be love or lack of it
it could be questions of life
or questions of death
or of the in between

it all makes us human
doesnt it
thats why we are interesting to each other
why we are drawn to each other
and sometimes why we are repelled

my polarity has changed
i feel i cannot flee enough from one who i felt was the love of my life
finally this fool saw through the veil and felt all the hurt all over again
all at once
and shed a few tears then it was done
love
gone

its scary

i know i want love
i know i am a lover
a man of peace
a man of emotion
a diplomat
a coward
a fool
a court jester for all to see
and laugh at
or sometimes
rarely
with

yet it is those rare with moments that feed my soul and quench my spirit

sad, pathetic, strange, comical, creepy
all yes
and no
even maybe so

i hear my father
completely
way back there
in my mind
like the rolling thunder of a slowly advancing army
coming to crush my self indulgence
telling me
dont wish
do

i know dad
i try
yet lately
i find my mind so easily wandering
into nothingness

curling up
afraid to act
or react

i just want to feel whole
to feel centered
balanced
ok

just want to be ok

luckily my friends
all of you out there
you know who you are
give me moments
simple fleeting moments
that make me feel
ok

i hope i give them in return

bad limerick

2005-03-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

i once was sucking on a sour sucker
that was really making my mouth pucker
till i reached the surprise
of a bug on the inside
to my friend who gave me it i screamed you phukker

idle hands

2005-03-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

what is it that they say
about idle hands
right now
i cannot recall
all i know is that
mine feel
so idle

i find myself
more figity than before
restless
easily distracted
by the littlest of things

my fingers tend to rub
themselves at the tip
as if asking me why
nothing is there
nothing to do
nothing to hold
no reason
to be

i find
myself tracing
imaginary lines
in space
in air
in time
in limbo

my eyes
almost seeing
what my idle hands
want to be there

is this hallucinating
is it mental
instability
or is it
just normal
for anyone
feeling
the way
i do
now
so confused
foggy
wandering
without
sense of purpose

do i need a substitute
do i need something to replace
what these idle hands
used to have
does it need to be
something simliar
or something different
or just to get used to
nothing at all

must they learn
to become
comfrortable
being idle

whose work this is
i am not one to know
my thoughts indeed
have nothing to show
to explain
to my hands
how come
this is so

so i ramble on
and write away
with little or nothing much to say
this must be
what idle hands
truly do see

Call Me?

2005-03-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

Pondering over calls
made
or not made
makes me feel
so junior high

*written 3/8/05 at almost midnight

Ode to Gaffers Tape

2005-03-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

what is gaffers tape you say
well let me tell you
it is basic
it isn't tricky
it is handy
and it is sticky
it comes in black
or even white
to blend with day
or blend with night
it is a friend to any roadie
when moving many a loadie
securing wires
securing cables
attaching things to chairs and tables
i think they might even use it in stables
it is always better than duct
because it isn't as messy
it could patch shoe
as long as it isn't dressy

its just tape you say
nothing for which to get carried away
I tell you then you must not know it
because only then your heart will show it
for gaffers tape is made to bind
and even allows friends
to become entwined

Flood

2005-02-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

do you know that feeling
when telling a story
you havent in so very long
the flood gates open
as memories wash upon you

now the water rushes over you
and you are different
so that water
the same water
somehow
feels
different

a memory tingle
it creates in the mind
and washes off the sediment
built upon
by daily life
revealing
newfound
revelations
of that memory
awakening
new perspectives
and truths

thanks friend
for allowing
the sensation
of such water to flow
over me

Trainwreck

2005-02-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

Love can feel that way at times
sometimes good
sometimes bad
everything twisted
bent and melded
burning smell in the air
on your tongue
all that emotional baggage
now wreckage
strewn about
for everyone
who happens by
to gaze at

whats worse
the burning
or the gazing

at a point

2005-01-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

Let's just see where this takes us, shall we.