as a good friend once said.. Ravings of a Lunatic

Ravings ahhh good old Ravings.

Its been a while.
Tonight i rave.

i feel my life is on hold
i feel so much in limbo

sure i could be poetic tonight but somehow it just does not fit
i would scream yet who would really hear
would it really make any difference
or would i be just screaming

i want more than that
i need more than that
yet i read words my friends felt enough about to put on page
or on internet
or just to say
and i feel humbled by them
feel shamed at my moments of self pity
yet i have them
as do we all
everyday
everynight

it could be love or lack of it
it could be questions of life
or questions of death
or of the in between

it all makes us human
doesnt it
thats why we are interesting to each other
why we are drawn to each other
and sometimes why we are repelled

my polarity has changed
i feel i cannot flee enough from one who i felt was the love of my life
finally this fool saw through the veil and felt all the hurt all over again
all at once
and shed a few tears then it was done
love
gone

its scary

i know i want love
i know i am a lover
a man of peace
a man of emotion
a diplomat
a coward
a fool
a court jester for all to see
and laugh at
or sometimes
rarely
with

yet it is those rare with moments that feed my soul and quench my spirit

sad, pathetic, strange, comical, creepy
all yes
and no
even maybe so

i hear my father
completely
way back there
in my mind
like the rolling thunder of a slowly advancing army
coming to crush my self indulgence
telling me
dont wish
do

i know dad
i try
yet lately
i find my mind so easily wandering
into nothingness

curling up
afraid to act
or react

i just want to feel whole
to feel centered
balanced
ok

just want to be ok

luckily my friends
all of you out there
you know who you are
give me moments
simple fleeting moments
that make me feel
ok


i hope i give them in return