PLAYCOLD

have you ever just watched a tree
just watched it be
just tried to see
all that is the tree
see so long you are blind
loosing your sense of time
loosing minutes and hours
feeling its powers
watching the tree
trying to just be

have you ever been lost in drink
so much so you could not think
hearing the empty bottle clink
against your kitchen sink
water swirling down the drain
numbness infesting your brain
wasting away till the dawn
meeting reality with a yawn
paranoid of what others think
craving that additional drink

have you ever felt so ill
that you have taken every pill
hoping pain has had its fill
hoping you are at the top of the hill
looking to be completely numb
caring less about looking dumb
seeking places one can hide
feeling ripped apart inside
loosing all sense of will
hoping for the magic pill

have you ever really felt the tune
making you sway making you swoon
to your spirit it is a boon
happily dancing like a loon
singing the words completely out loud
skipping along your solitary cloud
scratching the itch feeding the muse
bending the nails loosening the screws
feeling the sun off the moon
craving more oh so very soon

have you ever got lost in skin
rubbing it over and over again
loosing yourself yet hoping to win
feeling so good it must be a sin
moment to moment in the caress
intimacy without need of undress
subtle smile lies upon your face
the same line you continue to trace
feeling so close breathing akin
the simple pleasure of simple skin

have you ever tried to stop time
lost in the moment of some little rhyme
feeling completely totally utterly fine
holding forever with simple sunshine
holding your breath holding the moment
completely captured by such scent
possibly the texure and how it is felt
peace with the hand you are dealt
hoping happiness is not a crime
lost in a singular moment in time


have you ever just watched a tree
been lost in drink
felt so ill
felt the tune
been lost in skin
or stopped time
even kept on and on with a silly rhyme

human is human
song is song
moments are moments
will this one be gone?

Amarilys

* orginally penned in spring 1991*

a name after the amaryllis
sweet scent of lilly
a coveted herb
soothing body and soul
warming smile of a flower
soft petal skin
becons the spring meadow
into your world
walk trough the lush clover
feel the breeze of her friendship
and her soft giggle
sparrows cheerfully frolic
dancing in the air
like her fingers dance their intricate drama
characterizing the memories
that she knows so well
one, all to bitter
as the taste of the weed
which infests the meadow
and fouls the air
what could have hurt such bueaty
and betrayed a loving heart
so full of trust
now sick with naivety
and saddend with pain
she does not feel like a lilly
anymore
she feels like the weed
look through my eyes
see you as I do
amaryllis so bueatiful
smile cheering my life
as the flowers in the meadow do
I see soft eyes straining
no fogging the pain from view
of your heart
how I wish to hug
hold
and wipe the tears away
yet my wishes are also fogged
hidden not from heart
from mind
and from my judgement
so my jovial fasacde can keep babbling on
and prevent the water of emotion
from washing the petals
of such a sweet flower

Amarilys
may I
hear the sparrows sing and the robins play
in you

Signs

Signs are an interesting topic, aren't they?

some people believe in them
some people do not

where to i fall among those to spectrum ends
honestly
i am not sure

just in random conversation the other night
a friend mentioned the idea of signs
twice
one good
one bad
about the same person
the same relationship
it got me thinking
about my own soured relationship

what were the signs i saw
what were the ones i missed
or misinterpreted
what does perspective
or the moment
mean

the main thing that came to mind was one special morning
that i felt the night before had no chance of being so
getting sick while hiking up a mountain
with her
and our camping not going anywhere close to
as romantically planned
yet
with the dawn came her shining face
espcially when she saw a beautiful butterfly
her sign
mine was her happiness
or more importantly her complete lack of resentment
of the night before

she must really love me
thats what i felt
that was my sign
that kept me by her side for 17 years

now as that is over
and i look back
to that moment
as revived by my friend's words
i wonder
does it hold the same magic
was it
really
a sign

honestly i do not know
but even with the bitterness
i now feel
all the hurt
the pain
its hard to say
i made up
that sign

my question is
is a sign
that does not lead
to forever
still a sign

is it singular
to its moment
or dependent
on all time

this soul
is not sure
but then again
its not sure about anything much
right now

so i then wonder
will i be too confused
or too blind
or too ingnorant
of any future sign
from anyone else
unless it is
in bright bold neon light

i guess i should just heed
one sign

watch for falling rock

lyrical quote

"I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home"

*from the Blues Traveler song Just Wait

I think that John Popper makes a pretty good statement there.
I think that he says that we as humans are always looking for a connection
yet always falling into feeling uniquely lost

i have not yet figured out why
i doubt he has either

lately it is easy for me to ponder that why
not only for what i have lost
but what i might gain

the song is titled "just wait"
that seems to be the action i should take
that maybe we all should take

but have you ever met a paitently lonely person?

Moth

moths are foolish
aren't they
fawning over a silly flame

i told myself
no more moth
no more foolish moth behavior

be the flame
must be the flame this time
see what moth arrives

yet now
in this moment
i am
just
a foolish moth

as a good friend once said.. Ravings of a Lunatic

Ravings ahhh good old Ravings.

Its been a while.
Tonight i rave.

i feel my life is on hold
i feel so much in limbo

sure i could be poetic tonight but somehow it just does not fit
i would scream yet who would really hear
would it really make any difference
or would i be just screaming

i want more than that
i need more than that
yet i read words my friends felt enough about to put on page
or on internet
or just to say
and i feel humbled by them
feel shamed at my moments of self pity
yet i have them
as do we all
everyday
everynight

it could be love or lack of it
it could be questions of life
or questions of death
or of the in between

it all makes us human
doesnt it
thats why we are interesting to each other
why we are drawn to each other
and sometimes why we are repelled

my polarity has changed
i feel i cannot flee enough from one who i felt was the love of my life
finally this fool saw through the veil and felt all the hurt all over again
all at once
and shed a few tears then it was done
love
gone

its scary

i know i want love
i know i am a lover
a man of peace
a man of emotion
a diplomat
a coward
a fool
a court jester for all to see
and laugh at
or sometimes
rarely
with

yet it is those rare with moments that feed my soul and quench my spirit

sad, pathetic, strange, comical, creepy
all yes
and no
even maybe so

i hear my father
completely
way back there
in my mind
like the rolling thunder of a slowly advancing army
coming to crush my self indulgence
telling me
dont wish
do

i know dad
i try
yet lately
i find my mind so easily wandering
into nothingness

curling up
afraid to act
or react

i just want to feel whole
to feel centered
balanced
ok

just want to be ok

luckily my friends
all of you out there
you know who you are
give me moments
simple fleeting moments
that make me feel
ok


i hope i give them in return